User blog comment:Cottonfur/For Those It May Concern:/@comment-37668242-20181130042950

Hello there.

This is Vi. At least, formerly Vi. I don’t go on wikia for a number of reasons, but today I’ve been in great need of healing, and I stumbled upon your blog post...

I’m writing this from the windowsill of my 10th floor apartment. I live alone, in a one bedroom apartment that overlooks a river. I work two jobs to afford it with college. It’s oftentimes rather tranquil, and I like to get up at dawn to watch the sun hit the river and cast sparkles and shadows on the waves. It’s the only time I’m really ever here outside of late at night, I am always terribly busy nowadays. Life didn’t work out exactly how I planned, but it isn’t terrible. And I’m making due with what life has handed me, and at least I can be grategul for that.

Never thought I’d be back here, whatsoever, but I think I never gave anybody any real closure, and I definitely understand if anyone has any disdain regarding my behavior years ago.

I just wanted to say first and foremost, that I’m sorry. It’s plagued me for years, what happened on this site. Years ago Warrior Cats Roleplay Wiki was formed as a safe haven for roleplay about a series of books that Destiny, El, Luna and I formed. It had minor drama on and off now and again, but eventually the load of running a website was so much to handle it turned into a dictatorship. And I was at the forefront. Not to oversimplify the situation, but I was a scared kid who was desperately trying to escape a life filled with bullying and horror that I became a bully myself. And it weighs me down every single day. I thought I had it under control but I became a micromanager spiraling out of control. I needed help running the site but I was afraid to relinquish control to others, and it was so stupid and I wish I had just opened up and trusted other people more. This site was my baby and I became so paranoid and idiotic. Gah, how I wish things were different.

I never hated you, Cotton. You met me at one of my darkest times, and I am deeply apologetic that we started on a bad foot and likely ended on a bad foot too. The truth is I admired a lot of the users on here. You were all so happy. I desperately wanted to be just like you all, too, and I was jealous. Jealousy was a vice for me growing up. I was quite literally a minor with power who didn’t know how to use it properly and it resulted in horrible misuse and it got so out of hand I didn’t know how to be myself without fear of being judged for who I am. And I should have known better. I was very naïve and very stupid, and I regret that.

I was horrible to people. Absolutely horrible. And oftentimes, and I know this may sound hard to believe, it was unintentional. I didn’t actively think ill of others, but I still turned my nose up at the prospects of anyone trying to become my friend because I had built stacks and stacks of walls up around myself, and whenever someone tried to tear a wall down I built up another wall of lies in fear that someone might actually like me. I made the image that I was mean solely out of fear. I pushed everyone who tried to get close to me away. I spewed a lot of, forgive my language, shit out of my mouth. It was so dumb and I know how lame that sounds but I was only 15 I think when I left Wikia for reference of my age and I sincerely didn’t have any malicious intent, I was so blindly ignorant and willfully so that I didn’t even think that letting people in would do me any good. And I wish I had let you all see the good parts of me, and I wish I hadn’t holed myself up and refused to let the walls come down. But I was afraid people would not like the real me, and so I chose to be ugly. And I wish that just weren’t the truth, but I made choices that were not right and I regret them every single day. But I can’t change those. I can only learn from them and do better for the future friends in my life.

Wikia was supposed to be my safe haven. For the longest time you all were my only friends. I was not very good at showing that, but whenever I logged on I felt like I was a part of something special. I felt important and wanted. And in some ways that false sense of importance was incredibly foolish. I don’t use the internet pretty much at all these days. I’ve learned a lot since then. And I’ve learned how to love myself and forgive myself, and I know I need to close this chapter somehow and find some healing, and hopefully provoke healing for anyone else here who needs it.

I want to express personal apologies to all my friends, former and current. Please know that I have spent this time away from Wikia invoking positive change in the communities I am in now. I was a dumb kid on Wikia who was living absolute hell and taking it out on people who did not deserve it. I own up to my actions 100%. I should have never allowed this to become an unsafe and sad place that brought many grief and heartache. I was never leading with ill intentions. I, in my blinded youth, thought I was doing the right thing, and I look back in utter horror and disdain at the way things turned out. I regret them, immensely. No one is obligated to forgive me in any manner whatsoever. Just know that I am sorry, and I wish things were different. Since I cannot go back in time and change things, know I am doing a lot better now, especially mentally (I sought out psychological help and I have made progress). I have learned from these experiences in order to better myself and better those around me, and have distanced myself from any negative influences.

I believe very thoroughly that bad things happen for a reason, and that when they present themselves, they are meant to be learned from. I know I can never make it up to anyone from here but I hope you all are doing extremely well. You all were such beautiful human beings and absolute talents. Bird, Luna, Meadow, Cotton... you four were probably my dearest friends at a time. I know I was not the best person then, but I sincerely hope that you four will have good things coming your way. You all deserve it so deeply. I’m not going to be logging back into Wikia again at all, I don’t even remember my old usernames if I’m honest! It’s been too long. I can’t even remember half of the events at this wiki because I’ve long since banished it from my mind and moved onto other more obscure fandoms, but I wish you all peace. I am most sincere in apology and hope that this helps everyone find closure, too. I look back on my time with wikia bittersweetly. When it was bad, it was bad, but when it was good... we genuinely created a beautiful community at times. I hold no ill will or hard feelings whatsoever for anyone who was once a part of this wiki.

Best wishes, best of luck, and nothing but love,

Vi.