User blog:Destiny Calling/Twilight Rant

I don't know why I've started this when there has been no recent mention of...of...can't say-err, type it. Hows about, unless I feel courageous enough to type it, we call it 'The Rape of English Liturature'? Okay? Good.

Anyway, as I was...typing, although there has been no recent mention of The Rape of English Liturature, I still want to take out all my pent up ranting about this book, whilst also praising, not this series, but another, better vampyre series.

Warning: There is swearing on here, however, all inappropriate words are asterixed. If you are unhappy with any of the...colourful language used in this rant, just tell me and I'll take it out.

Twilight Rant

Characters

Edward

Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward, Edward. You are nothing more than a pathetic, sparkly fairy virgin. You are not that special, you are not all that. You also have too big of a fanbase. I swear, once I'm done with this, I am going to go out and kill all Diehard, I'll-kill-you-if-you-hate-Edward, Ohmigosh-if-only-Bella-weren't-such-a-Mary-Sue-and-the-love-of-you-love-and-your-wife-and-the-mother-of-your-child-then-you'd-be-mine Edward fangirls, even if I have to get on a freakin boat (Which I hate because of all the rocking) and go all around the world to kill them. Then...no wait...mention this sentance at the end.

Bella

Oh God! Why the h*ll are you so (Swear word comin' up!) f***in stupid?! And you're still a Mary-Sue, even with such stupidity! The Access pupils at my school are smarter than you!! H*ll, uneducated hobos are smarter than you!! You are nothing more than a (Another one!) sh***y Mary-Sue, who later becomes a sparkly fairy-sue!! And, while I'm sure any mother would put their own baby's life ahead of their own, I think that if the baby is killing you, that is the cue for you to go (Warning!) 'F*** it! This damn b***h is killin' me! I don't want it anymore!' Once I'm finished with Edward's fanbase, Imma comin' after yours!

Jacob

...No comment. But only because my friend adores the actor who plays you in the movie.

Stephanie Meyer

Why the f*** would you create such a story? Bella's a mary-sue, Edward's a fairy (Heck, all the vamps are fairies) and the story is just plain...well, I don't know. I have no words to describe the storyline. But I am going to call up the mental institution-slash-rehab that your staying at (You know, for your mental problems and your drug abuse :3) and ask them to overdose you. Then, either failing that or to make sure you're really dead, Imma go there and kill you again/mutalate your corpse. :)

I'll be doing the world a favour.

UPDATE ~ 16th July 2011

I was just typing up a load of stuff on Urban Dictionary, and I typed in Edward Cullen and the stuff I got...XD.

Imma postin some o' that brilliance!

Urban Dictionary entries for...

Edward Cullen

Entry #1

A psycho who goes into girls bedrooms to watch them sleep. May or may not sparkle.

"This guy is a total Edward Cullen! Crept into my room again last night!"

Entry #2

A male in Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight" series.

Often the focus of female teenage trend-follower's wet dreams. How can they not? I mean... he goes into the sun and... SPARKLES! "Yum?"

Right, then.

Overall, a "perfect guy" made by a female writer that appeals heavily to young women or teens. The only reason that he makes me happy, is because it sets each and every fan girl up for a large amount of disappointment when they meet a real man.

Enjoy, Twilight fan-girls. Please be sure to write juicy comments.

P.S.: Please do use proper spelling and grammar when responding. It isn't nice to give people headaches.

''My girlfriend is currently trying to remove my nipple for trying to post this entry on the fag, Edward Cullen.

''Ow! My Edward Colon!

Entry #3

(The best so far!)

1. FICTIONAL sparkly pansy vampire whose only purpose of being is to drop the panties of any girl dumb enough to actually think this f*ck is romantic and sexy.

2. Stephanie Meyer's dream man. She f*cks him in her sleep because she doesn't get enough loving from her family.

3. Abusive vampire thing who is apparently made of stone or marble or some sort of beautiful white rock.

''1. OH EDWARD CULLEN, TAKE ME NOW BECAUSE I'M 13 AND STUPID!!!1!!1ONEONEONE!!11!1!1

''2. Stephanie Meyer: TAKE ME NOW, EDWARD CULLEN! MARRY ME!!!!

''3. Guy: "How'd you get that bruise?" ''Twitard: "I was reading Twilight and I was just so turned on by Edward Cullen that I just HAD to bruise myself too! He's cold like marble, you know." ''Guy: ".....I'm not f***ing you ever."

Entry #4

(One line had me laughing...seriously...)

A fictional character, and primary love interest of the first person narrator Isabella Swan in Stephenie Meyer's 'Twilight' series.

He lives in Forks, Washington.

He is a Meyerpire, a being that suffers from a psychosis leading him to believe he is a 'vampire'.

A one hundred and eight year old virgin (until the latest installment 'Breaking Dawn'), he is trapped in the body of a seventeen year old boy, sparkles in the sunlight, has the ability to move super fast (despite the fact that he is described as 'marble-like') and has a wide variety of 'speshul' powers.

(This line below...)

He is adored by teenage girls and Catholic priests alike, and is so 'perfect' in every way that he actually sh*ts flowers.

He later becomes the father of Renesmee (Affectionately referred to as 'Nessie' and 'Renestard'), a half-Meyerpire, half-human hybrid who is also 'perfect' and is imprinted on by the self-styled Pedo-Wolf Jacob Black.

He is often used as a reference for unimpressive or ‘p*ssy’ vampires, despite the fact that he is not in fact a vampire.

See also: Stalker.

''"I like glitter... does that make me gay?"

''"If you're Edward Cullen."

House of Night series

House of Night is definitely the better vampyre series. It's about a girl named Zoey Redbird, originally Montgomery, who gets Marked (With a cresent moon outline on their forehead) and has to go to the vampyre boarding school/finishing school, the House of Night. At the House of Night, the classes are at night, because they're sensitive to sunlight. The kids, who are called fledglings, then have to go through four years of the school, going through the Change to become vampyres. However, if they begin to reject the change, they will die. However...again...in the books, the dead fledglings have been revived into humanityless red fledglings with pale skin and glowing red eyes. If they do complete the Change though, once they do, the cresent moon outline fills in and they start to get tattoos down to their cheekbones, sometimes to do with their affinity.

More coming soon...